Audacity and Delusion

My childhood did not require nor encourage a loud and confident voice. My childhood required silence and compliance, so I struggle to trust my voice even as an adult with my own family to raise. This year, my voice has reached people and places I only dreamed of, which has been hard to accept. It’s been hard to admit that I have something valuable to say to the community. So, I had to take a step back because having to accept myself, and the growth immediately spiraled into comparing myself to others and … very dark thoughts. Some may think it’s embarrassing to speak of these insecurities, but for me, it is liberating. These thoughts have laid waste to the poorly constructed safeguards I have made in my mind, and I need to free myself of this before I go further.

My voice is only the thing it is now because of The Blerd Library. Outside of academic reasons for its creation, I created this space to carve out a digital room for myself. Most of my life was molded by others’ expectations, and I desperately wanted to know who I was outside of everyone else. A space just for me that allows me to explore who I am. The Blerd Library helped me remove some of my armor and heal some of the festering parts of my spirit. I found my community. I found my people. I’m learning how to take perfectionism out of the equation.

With the growth of The Blerd Library and now Pink Riot (the weekly live comic book show co-hosted with Bri from BrisBookish), I am terrified of losing my voice to the madness. This freshly made thing it is. I feel a bit insecure as I compare myself to everyone else, but I have something I didn’t have before to slow the downward spiral: audacity and delusion. Audacity to believe I deserve this and delusion to envision my wildest dreams.

I mean it when I say audacity and delusion are a helluva drug! I remember being told to have the confidence of a mediocre white man, and it took me forever to recognize that that was just audacity. The belief that I am supposed to be where I want to be. That desire to have a seat at the table is the expectation. The effects of systemic oppression, capitalism, patriarchy, and heteronormativity on the individual, especially the Black woman, will forever remain shocking (see Toni Morrison: “I insist on being shocked.”) But it’s hard to give up once you have a tiny spark of audacity. I find it easier as the days go by to declare, “ I deserve this. I’m taking up the space I’m supposed to take.” It’s not perfect, but the little bit of audacity I’ve had this year has allowed me to do a lot:

1. I met so many incredible people! I never thought I’d ever meet so many people who loved the same things I love and PUSH me to learn more 😍
2. I created this space, Deconstruction & Blerdom
3. I moderated my 2nd panel at The Black Comic Book Festival in NYC!
4. I created the author series on The Blerd Library YouTube Channel, interviewing Montrez, LP Kindred, Tatiana Obey, and Brittany N. Williams, to name a few.
5. Signed to a management company for book content creators
6. I created a 300 sq. Ft. Garden featuring garden beds I built alone.
7. Built a chicken coop and got chickens 
8. Finally, I figured out my health issues and fought to get the surgery I needed to get better. 

So, what plans does delusion have for me?

1. I want a website! This will consolidate everything I do online into one space and protect me from the fickleness of social media algorithms. I’ve been advised to do this for some time now, and I’m finally getting it done.
2. I want to moderate more book and comic book panels. Next year, I plan on sending out many panel proposals. I have several I am working on now and am very excited about!
3. Writing—I will be writing more as Deconstruction& Blerdom moves to its permanent home on the website. The goal is to have two articles and one to two interviews a month! 
4. YouTube Channel-  I have completely restructured my YT channel, which is more about how books and speculative fiction have influenced my life in art, at home, and outdoors. I will be doing more of my arts and crafts and creating a more laid-back space. 
5. I’ll be joining Bindery as a tastemaker in January 2025! The goal is to build a community/book club that will read one monthly comic (indie and/ or traditional) and one novel to create a conversation around a specific topic. I also plan on having a list of nonfiction works as references for each month. I’m not sure what it’ll be called, though…
6. Pink Riot! Comic Show– I wanted a space to just talk comics and have fun with friends. It wouldn’t hurt to have a way to pay for my comics either😅
7. More chickens! I’m getting more chickens. My family doesn’t know yet, so it’ll be fun to bring them home and be shocked with them 🤣🤣
8. Canning—Last year’s garden harvest was either frozen or used immediately. I’m learning how to can my food with a friend who owns a small dairy farm and sells this amazing blackberry jam.  
9. I want to finish two obstacle course races next year. After the surgery in February, I focused on maintaining my weight loss and getting stronger. I want to prove that I am strong enough to finish and do something that terrifies me.

So, I’m letting my audacity and delusion build my future, and I hope you’ll stay with me on this journey.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming🥰