It’s been 6 months of my journaling to rewire my brain and fight oppression. It has been a long and difficult six months with so many changes, and I am tapped out. Of the many transitions my family has been dealing with, the one I can speak on is that I no longer have a dedicated space for the Blerd Library. Yes, a lot has happened, but great things have happened as well. Glass half full and all that jazz, I guess. I’ve been learning more, building a stronger community, and writing more. So let’s review how my journal ecosystem has changed: what’s new, what’s been abandoned, and how I use this journal ecosystem to move forward.
What’s New
Fountain pens
Writing has made me acutely aware of my writing tools. After a month of daily writing, I detested disposable pens. The thin bodies of disposable pens require me to hold the pen tighter, making my hand cramp. And the hunt for a pen that actually worked became a source of frustration in this activity. I needed a pen that was more ergonomic, more dependable, and more sustainable.
I bought my first inexpensive set at a local Barnes and Noble to test it out. It was an Ooly set of three fountain pens in gold, silver, and some other color I don’t remember for under twenty dollars. I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on something that would end up being an aesthetic purchase, something that typically happens with my attention span. I’m not ashamed of the yards of specialty fabric I have stowed away for that one dope ass outfit I’m going to sew one day…when I find/ make the perfect pattern. I’ll get to it eventually.
Fountain pens had the potential to be an aesthetic purchase. I like the way they look. They remind me of writers throughout history, sitting at a desk, in a field with a book in hand, writing, contemplating, theorizing, creating. The look of a fountain pen makes me feel like I am part of a legacy, a guild of sorts. And I was willing to buy one solely to look the part.
But actually writing with a fountain pen made me a lifelong fan. The way the ink leaves the nib or tip of the pen made me aware of the way I write. My handwriting is clearer as I take my time etching words into paper. I’m able to read my work afterward, spending less time trying to figure out my state of mind during a past writing session.
Right now, I have three fountain pens. I still use the inexpensive B&N fountain pen and buy black refill cartridges for that pen. I kept one and gave the other two pens to my daughters, in an attempt to make them converts as well. I have two LAMY left-handed Safari pens: one in yellow with blue ink and one that is all black from the nib to the clip, which writes with my signature ink, the Diamine ink Aurora Borealis.
As a left- handed person, I can’t tell you if the left-handed pen is any better or different from the B&N pen. I write the same with both. But I think I’m going to stay with the left-handed pens because it’s nice to be catered to as a left-handed person. I still remember the days of early childhood teachers trying to make me write with my right hand, and I wanted a pen, and future writing supplies, that shows the progress of the left-handed community. (I’m unserious and yet so very serious about this). I plan on getting one more pen once I finish using my disposable red gel ink pen.
My Writing Journal
As I said before, my dedicated Blerd Library space is no more. I don’t regret it, but I do mourn a room of one’s own. Thankfully, I’ve made a space in my bedroom to continue what I do. With this change, everything is smaller, including my books. I still have the large college-ruled loose-leaf-sized book, but I rarely use it. My new desk struggles with the space of my computer, livestream setup, and the various books I’m reading. So, I started using a smaller spiral-bound journal.
It’s a dark blue hardcover book with gold spiral binding and cream perforated pages. I love it. Because of its size, I’m able to travel with this book more, which means I’ve been writing more.
I write everything in my journal. Ebook reading annotations. Drafts for future blog posts. Interview panel questions. Short story drafts. I keep it quasi-organized by tabbing pages I need to return to later. It’s my one-stop shop for my thoughts surrounding speculative fiction. My progress has been astounding: I remember more, I can work through my thoughts, and I can return to them whenever I give myself space. I am well known for being incredibly forgetful, and I love this remembering/working phase of life lol.
What I also love is that during my writing process, I find it easier to ask certain questions about my writing and readings. Specifically, I give myself the space to answer “how does this story help with liberation? How does this help us move forward? What can we learn from this?” It seems simple, but I find that I trip over my words when I speak. And so, always having that question in mind when I’m writing allows me to add the nuance I think of but can’t always verbalize.
To Do List Book
My schedule will never be successful in a physical book. I have had enough attempts to admit that an app calendar is my only hope of sticking to this punishment called time. What I needed to add to my journal ecosystem was a to-do list. Once again, I can’t stress enough just how forgetful of a person I am. I needed a small book to jot down everything I needed to accomplish in order to maintain my card of adulthood. I am a flagrant offender of saying something and then completely forgetting it, so this has been essential to my overall practice of remembering. I have been more consistent with creating content and building a schedule that lets me balance my professional and family life. Don’t ask me about my health; that is still a work in progress.
Unfortunately, I don’t get a high off of crossing things off my list. If anything, it makes me feel terrible knowing that the list of things to do is never-ending. But shit things need to get done either way, so….. yeah.
Scholarly Article Journal
I want to dive deeper into theory related to Black speculative fiction and Afrofuturism. I’ve been reading nonfiction, but I haven’t been able to retain the information in any important way. It has been disappointing to read literature that has been blowing my mind, reshaping my language, and changing how I navigate the world, but not remember it or readily have the language to discuss the articles. And so, combining my undergrad methods and a few YouTube videos, I created this scholarly journal article. I’ll go into more detail later; just know that it’s one of the most rigorous journals in my ecosystem. It has been a challenge, but I have never felt more alive. (This is hyperbole, obviously. I have felt more alive. I feel alive by simply existing. I’m just very excited)
What Stayed
My Reading Journal
My reading journal is perfect. I actually remember what I read, and if I don’t remember, I have the notes to back it up. Yay me! I’m currently creating a journal to eventually sell with the Pink Riot Comic Show, based on the notes I have for intentional reading. (As a small plug, if you want to be included in this process, go to the Pink Riot Comic Chow Patreon page!)
What’s on the Rocks and What is Abandoned
My Diary
I’ll be honest, I barely use these. With my diary, I think, in complete transparency, I’m in survival mode, and if I look too closely at my own fragments, I’ll fall apart. And I don’t have the time or luxury to break right now. I wonder how many other Black folks are in this position: Wanting/needing the space to grieve, unravel, unmake, and not having the time, resources, or space to do so? So many people make it their life’s mission to hate Black people and uphold a system that enforces this belief. I dream of better days.
Nationally, communally, and individually, I’m in a difficult position that requires me to persist. Breaking would help this system achieve its goal, and I cannot allow that. And so, with superhuman force, I maintain. I have a solid support group of friends and some family, but I haven’t been trying to unpack the traumatic events of the last calendar year. That is too much right now.
Note: Shortly after writing this truth, I went back into my diary to see if I had any thoughts I could release. I sat there for a good while, constipated with feelings, unsure where to start. Even my signature ink pen couldn’t bring forth a thread to chase on paper. Eventually, a trickle of feels came through, and I got something out ( It also helped/ didn’t help that I got mail that almost made me cry). While I am still not ready to dive deep into some of the issues I’m facing, there are some spaces in my life that I can reflect on. Getting those thoughts out released some of the pressure of holding me together. So here’s hoping in 6 months I’ll be in a better space and I’ll use this diary more frequently.
My Art Junk Journal
With my art journal, I think I’ll put a pin in that one. At this stage of my life, visual art is taking a back seat to my journey of mastering words. Formulating sentences that blow my mind and inspiring others in the process. I also think I’m in the growing season of my garden, and I’d rather be out there playing in the dirt, healing, processing, and watching plants bloom anew.
Are you journaling? Getting into stationary? Found a slight addiction to pens? Let me know in the comments!
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